The Lord of the Ringpulls
by NatzandtheRatz
Summary: Not very original, but very funny! Read the adventures of Fido, Lamb, Aragormless, Leggylass, Grouchi the Jewish dwarf and all your favourites! More to come!
1. A Long Avoided Party

Disclaimer: Well, it's mine really, isn't it? Not Tolkien or New Line's! Ha! But I spose Dobby and anything else from Harry Potter or Star Wars or anything is borrowed, and not mine at all. Enjoy! Lol.  
  
The Lord of the Ring-Pulls  
Or  
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving to Beat Up Hapless Orcs  
  
Chapter One- A Long Avoided Party  
  
When Mr Bigblo Friggins of Frig End announced his upcoming birthday party, the general reaction of the local Rabbits was complete none-interest. Out of sheer desperation two days before the bash, Bigblo was forced to hire Gangwarf the 'wizard' and his troupe of Dancing Goblins as entertainment before anyone would even return their invitation.  
  
This avoidance was not due to Bigblo being unknown throughout the Shy-er. In fact, his reputation preceded him. A reputation for being a snobbish toff with more money than friends.  
  
This reputation spawned from a date sixty years previous when, for tax purposes (namely the avoidance of them) Bigblo had been forced to undertake an adventure with several disgruntled dwarves and an out-of-work wizard (Gangwarf, if you hadn't guessed) to separate a dragon from his ill-gotten riches. This adventure wouldn't be of any real interest to us (and still isn't to me) but for a chance thing that befell Bigblo (quite literally) as the company passed through the Mouldy Mountains.  
  
As they passed through aforesaid mountains they were attacked by a party of D'orcs. Bigblo, displaying his race's usual tactics when faced with adversity, jumped off the nearest subterranean cliff and headed for the big neon sign marked 'exit'.  
  
Now as he made his way down a dark, dank and dorky passage, he happened to find a solid aluminium ring-pull. Thinking he would use it to distract any D'orcs he might meet later, as they have the mindset of a three year old when it comes to shiny objects, Bigblo pocketed it.  
  
Further down the passage Bigblo bumped into Dobby (no suing please, J.K.) a schizophrenic ex-Rabbit with some serious social issues. Dobby was having a very bad day; he had just lost his favourite Invisi-Ring-Pull. He and Bigblo decided to play a game of riddles (as you do in a pitch black cave with a complete stranger).  
  
It was during a particularly difficult riddle ('give the full chemical name and formulae of all the acids that go into coca cola?'), when Bigblo happened to mention in passing he had found a ring-pull earlier. Dobby, who also had some anger management problems (that guy is every psychiatrist's dream come true), guessed it was his ring-pull, and attacked.  
  
Bigblo, during his hasty retreat up the passage, decided to see what was so special about this ring-pull and put it on. He turned to face Dobby and found the little weirdo couldn't see him. Sneaking up behind Dobby, Bigblo was about to kill him when pity stayed his hand (it was a pity Dobby's skin was too greasy for Bigblo to get a proper stranglehold). So, instead, Bigblo tied the creature up with his own loincloth (not a pretty sight) and rejoined the dwarves on the other side of the mountains.  
  
The rest of the adventure isn't really that interesting (Dragons! Giant Spiders! How boring!), so all you lot needs to know is that Bigblo eventually returned home to Rabbiton with a big bag of riches and several jealous neighbours.  
  
Bigblo did manage to find some friends with his newfound wealth (the tax- Rabbit being one), mainly the younger Rabbits of the Shy-er who were easily impressed by large bags of gold, the foremost of these was young Fido Friggins, Bigblo's nephew, (by marriage, Bigblo assured everyone) who eventually became Bigblo's heir (to further enrage his neighbours, who in Rabbit legal terms would have got Bigblo's wealth when the old Rabbit popped his clogs, hopped the twig and pushed up daisies. Died, in other words).  
*********  
  
A few days before the party, Gangwarf the wizard arrived at Frig End with several crates of 'fireworks' (TNT, in the Common Tongue). After getting rid of the local Rabbit children who were requesting a fireworks display with some carefully aimed rocks, Bigblo and Gangwarf managed to get all the crates inside the Rabbit Hole.  
  
"I see the locals have changed little since my last visit," said Gangwarf haughtily. "I had hoped you Rabbits would've learned some manners by now."  
  
"Manners is as manners does" Said Bigblo, quoting an age-old Rabbit axiom. "But I know what you mean, Gangwarf. At least I'll have the pleasure of putting the wind up them before I get shot of this cul-de-sac for good."  
  
"You mean to go on with your plan then?" Inquired the wizard, peering sternly at Bigblo over his cup of imported Ronan Eorl Grey tea.  
  
"Well, duh. I'm not going to leave without telling them what a bunch of slack-jawed idiotic mush-for-brains rodents they are."  
  
"Oh, don't mince your words, Bigblo. Tell them how you really feel." Said Gangwarf sarcastically.  
  
"Ha ha ha, regular comedian, aren't we? I don't remember asking you for your opinion, you old fraud."  
  
"I'll have less of that, Bigblo Friggins! Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks and cheaper fees! I'm not trying to help you; I'm trying to rob you!"  
  
"Say wha?"  
  
Gangwarf's face paled.  
  
"Did I say that or just think it?"  
  
Bigblo laughed and surveyed his old friend. The wizard was robed in a tall sky grey hat and long blue cloak with a star spangled hemline around it's base and sleeves, while the hat had many strange annotations and symbols marked on it – the five pronged star, the circle of life, a deck of cards sticking out of the brim, as well as the terrifying symbol of tyranny known through all Middly-Squat Earth; the three little black circles of Walt Disney.  
  
On the wizard's chest were written in the ancient dwarf runes: Wizard for hire. 50 groats an hour o.n.o. Finest children's entertainer in all Middly- Squat Earth. No refunds! Lastly, the sorcerer's feet were clad in an ancient pair of mouldy trainers, from the fabled First Age of Middly- Squat Earth, when Adidas still used the clover leaf symbol.  
  
"You're looking a little more ragged than usual, Gangwarf," noted the Rabbit, "Children's entertainment not paying as well as you hoped?" "You may jest, oh ye of little, uh, height, but know that it is not I who is to blame for my lack of material possessions." Gangwarf rounded on Bigblo. "I'll have you know it's entirely your fault!"  
  
"Moi?" said Bigblo as innocently as he could (which was about as innocently as a dog that's just been caught attacking the loo roll after getting ideas from the Andrex puppy).  
  
"Yes, you. Remember that ring-pull you relieved Dobby of in the Mouldy Mountains?"  
  
"Yeeeeees?"  
  
"Well it turns out that the ring-pull is The One Ring-Pull, which, as you know if you listened in your history classes, was the most powerful magic ring-pull forged from the ancient Coke cans of old, and it was also the chief weapon of the Dark Lord, Saurondemort, in his reign of terror some two thousand years ago. Well, when Saurondemort was vanquished by King Asunder of Front-dor, we wizards all assumed the One Ring-Pull had gone the same way as Lord Lucan, out of all mortal knowledge. But apparently not. And now Saurondemort is back with a vengeance, drawing all evil and low creatures to him, including most of my Dancing Goblins, so now no-one will hire me, which is why I appear a little, ahem, shabby. The only thing that can stop Saurondemort is the destruction of the One Ring-Pull."  
  
"Oookay," said Bigblo. "I hereby leave the Ring-Pull to Fido, and he can do what he wants with it."  
  
"Wise move, short-stuff." Said Gangwarf. "We can tell him after the party."  
  
"Correction. You can tell him after the party." Cackled the malicious old Rabbit. "I'm going to be as far away as mortally possible." And with that, he proceeded to go to bed, leaving Gangwarf with the washing up.  
  
The next day was the date of Bigblo's party, and the local Rabbits, resentful as they were of Bigblo's fortune, couldn't resist a free nosh 'n' knees-up, and thus came in their droves. It was a good party, as Rabbit parties go. Plenty of lettuce, carrots and out of the way places for procreating baby Rabbits en masse, as well as a brilliant show by the remaining Dancing Goblins who hadn't been lulled back into Saurondemort's service, and Gangwarf's usual 'firework and scud missile' display was explosion-tastic, much to the delight of the Rabbits, who can't really concentrate on any sort of evening entertainment unless it is X-rated or self destructive.  
  
Bigblo's speech, though, was a little unexpected.  
  
My dear Frigginses and Coffins, he said (why he said it in italics is anyone's guess), My dear Crooks and Fastbucks, Mugs, Pugs, Noseblowers, Bulgers, Bighouses, Busybodies and Loudforts (LoudFARTS! Yelled a Rabbit from the crowd, who living up to his name and heritage, emitted a stinker at that very moment)  
  
I hope you're enjoying my little bash. Cries of 'No' from everyone, as is customary at Rabbit festivities.  
  
I don't really regret to have to tell you that this is the last party I am throwing for you foodbags in my lifetime. There was shocked silence from the crowd. The old stingy creep was insulting them! Bigblo proceeded.  
  
Eleventy-One years is far too long a time to live among such brain-dead mindless yokels as you rabble are, so I can happily announce to those of you who want my money, that I am LEAVING! Leaving everything, that is, to my nephew Fido, so you can bother him from now on. Hasta La Vista, babies. I WON'T be back!  
  
And with that he slipped on the Ring-Pull and stepped off the table, just as the twenty or so patriot missiles (and a few grenades for good measure) prearranged by Gangwarf detonated over the crowd.  
  
The outraged Rabbits hit the dirt, giving Bigblo ample time to high tail it back to Frig End and be on his way quite merrily. He left the Ring-Pull gift wrapped on the mantelpiece, with a note to Fido that read: A little going away pressie from Uncle Bigblo. Enjoy!  
  
Fido and Gangwarf, meanwhile, did not escape from the riotous mob of Rabbits baying for Bigblo's blood, and arrived back in Frig End roughly half an hour after Bigblo's departure, minus several pieces of material that had been ripped from their clothes by the irate Rabbits as they pumped Gangwarf and Fido for information concerning Bigblo's whereabouts.  
  
Finally the horde had released Fido and Gangwarf, who stumbled back to Frig End nursing their various injuries. Fido bolted, barred and locked the door behind them, just in case the Rabbit mob decided to return.  
  
Presently, Fido noticed the large gift wrapped box on the mantelpiece.  
  
"What's this?" He asked the wizard, who had collapsed onto the sofa and was complaining loudly about a broken nail on his little finger (not actually a souvenir from the Rabbit lynch mob, it was caused by a particularly difficult-to-open fireworks crate, but Gangwarf wanted compensation for the lynching).  
  
"Oh, that," said Gangwarf, disrupted from his cries of pain, "that's from Bigblo. A present for you, along with Frig End and the rest of his junk, uh, possessions."  
  
Fido looked crestfallen. "He's really gone then. I thought he was going to come back tomorrow and the whole thing would turn out to be a tasteless joke."  
  
"Yes, although that is something Bigblo would do (and has done, on occasion), I'm afraid he's gone for good this time." Said Gangwarf sombrely.  
  
"Hmm?" said Fido who was busy tapping walls and biting gold coins to make sure they were real. "And did you say all of this belongs to me now?"  
  
"Yes, but I wouldn't get too attached to it if I were you..."  
  
"What? Why?" Asked Fido, as he hurriedly re-read Bigblo's will, "I don't have to give half to you, do I?"  
  
"No, but soon you too must leave Rabbiton, and the Shy-er itself, if you wish to remain alive."  
  
"What's that?" Said Fido, sure he'd misheard the crackpot conjuror.  
  
"It is time, Fido, for you to open Bigblo's present." Said Gangwarf importantly.  
  
The young Rabbit unwrapped the shiny package to find an old shoe box, lined with finest newspaper (the Guardian, natch), in the centre of which was a solid aluminium Ring-Pull. Fido picked it up and looked at it wonderingly. Along the edge, written in tiny letters, were the words: 'If found, please return to Saurondemort, 19 B'rad Dourif, Mordors-Less Windows. I may not kill you so much if you do.'  
  
"But surely this is the Ruling Ring-Pull of legend!" Cried Fido, aghast. (Perceptive, isn't he?) "I thought it was a mere Invisi-Ring-Pull! How did Uncle Bigblo come by this thing?"  
  
"It is an odd tale, full of pointless deeds and petty thieving, which I shall tell to you in full when you reach Chip'n'Dell." Replied the wizard.  
  
"Chip'n'Dell? Why must I go there?"  
  
"Well Fido, I've been doing a little research, and it seems Saurondemort wants to take over Middly-Squat Earth, but to do so, he needs the One-Ring- pull. Obviously, it would be a tad inconvenient if Saurondemort finds it, as we will all be enslaved and raped and pillaged."  
  
"And?" asked Fido, wondering where this was leading.  
  
"And, therefore," continued Gangwarf, "Someone must hide the Ring-pull from him. Someone so ill-suited to the job, Saurondemort would never suspect it. Someone short and not very brave or fierce, and with large Rabbit ears and a fuzzy little white Rabbit tail and large Rabbit feet. Get the idea?"  
  
"Oh. Hey! You mean me!"  
  
"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock."  
  
"Who said I'd do it? I demand a vote on the subject!"  
  
"I voted for you Fido, and as I'm twice your size that's two votes to  
one."  
  
"But!..."  
  
"You will need some companions, of course," said Gangwarf loudly over Fido's protests, "so I took the liberty of finding the three best, brightest and most fearless adventurers the Shy-er has to offer to travel alongside you."  
  
Through a side door stepped the three most incompetent dunderheads in all the Shy-er; Smelly Fastbuck, Pipsqueak Crook and Lamb Gangrene.  
  
"Sorry," said Fido, cleaning his ears with a cotton-bud, "I could have sworn you said 'brightest'. And anyway, why do I need these no-brainers if you're coming with me?"  
  
"Ah, Fido... about that. I have to uh, go and do some, er, important Wizard things, so you'll have to pass through Edward-Wood on your own, and I'll meet you on the other side in the village of Brie. Ok? Well, look at the time! I must be off! Meet you in Brie! Oh, and Fido?" said Gangwarf finally, "Don't wear the Ring-Pull at all."  
  
"Why? Will Saurondemort's fearful servants be able to sense the Ring-pull's presence?" asked Fido apprehensively.  
  
"Well, I was more concerned about it turning your finger green, but yours is a good theory too." And with that the old magician shambled off into the night, and Fido was left alone with Rabbiton's answer to the Three Stooges. They set off at a slovenly pace, and by morning had managed to reach the Shy-er river. As this was about fifty feet from Frig End, Fido realised it was going to be a loooong epic. 


	2. The Edward Wood Ward

Chapter Two- The Edward-Wood Ward  
  
Five days later our four fearless (using the word very loosely here) Rabbits had left Rabbiton and the Shy-er far behind and were plunging ahead like a trained Killer Whale at Seaworld into Chapter two.  
They finally reached the outskirts of the Edward-Wood, much to the chagrin of Lamb, who seemed reluctant to enter the forest.  
"But Mr Fido," he whined, giving Fido the special sidelong glance reserved just for him, "I don't be a thinkin' we should be a goin' into that there wood. Folks say it be a haunted, by queer forces they be a sayin'."  
Fido, who could never understand a word of Lamb's thick accent (his ancestors were immigrants from Mordors-Less Windows, and the family Gangrene still had a D'orcish look about them), thought Lamb had said they should go through Edward Wood, and so proceeded into the copse.  
They had not got far in, when Pipsqueak heard a strange noise in the forest behind them, not unlike the flapping of great wings. But of this the Rabbits took no notice, for Pipsqueak was always hearing noises, or voices, especially voices that encouraged him to burn things.  
They carried on for a while, until Smelly was convinced that he had heard a quacking sound, and even Fido himself noticed some odd webbed footprints on the path now and then.  
By this time feeling considerably spooked, the Rabbits suddenly heard behind them the sinister swishing of a long, black cloak. After hastily erecting (insert your own pun here) a makeshift hiding place from twigs, leaves, a copy of Reader's Digest and a craftily placed thumbtack, the Rabbits stood stock still (and that's pretty darn still, I'll have you know) and waited to see their pursuer.  
Presently down the path came a towering cloaked figure, with no body parts on show, apart from two enormous webbed feet that stuck out from under the hem of the cloak, and a huge orange beak that poked through the hood. The strange being glanced about him for a while, and eventually made towards the Rabbit's shelter. Fido held his breath, but the monster only flicked through a few pages of Reader's Digest, and moved on.  
The Rabbits breathed a sigh of relief, and discarded their shelter, just as the black-bird came back into the clearing with a pair of scissors to cut out the article it had been reading, an intriguing piece promising a guaranteed cash prize!  
For a few seconds the black-bird surveyed the exposed Rabbits, like four donuts just spotted by Homer Simpson. Then the black-bird gave an almighty "quack" and the Rabbits were filled with dread, so instead of showing it their fake IDs and carrying on through the wood as if they weren't carrying an evil ring-pull, Smelly, Lamb and Pipsqueak simultaneously pointed at Fido and yelled "He's got it!" and promptly turned (fuzzy) tail and ran like headless chickens into the surrounding shrubbery.  
Fido, meanwhile, had not been idle. While the black-bird was distracted by the other three Rabbits, Fido had quickly scaled a likely looking tree and armed himself with acorns to throw at the fiend.  
The black-bird, unperturbed by this turn of events, pulled a chainsaw from the folds of his cloak and proceeded to brandish it in Fido's tree's direction.  
The second the chainsaw touched the tree's bark, though, a gunshot resounded through the woods and the black-bird dropped the 'saw, presumably because a bullet-shaped hole had materialised in its wing.  
A figure stepped from the trees into the clearing, wearing a rainbow striped jacket, a yellow basketball shirt, a black mini skirt and brand new Nike trainers. Her hair had rainbow streaks in it, and slung across her back was a bag with a rainbow strap. In her hand (with rainbow nails), was a (you've guessed it) rainbow coloured handgun. She opened her mouth and sang a little ditty to the tune of Pink Floyd's 'Another Brick in the Wall'.  
  
"Hey! Seagûl! Leave my trees alone!"  
  
This she repeated several times until the black-bird could take her off-key singing no longer and ran from the clearing with its wings clamped firmly over its ears. The strange girl turned to Fido.  
"Yo, fuzzy dude?" she called. "That feathers-for-brains didn't getcha, did it?"  
"Uh, no, you scared him off," replied Fido, scrambling down the mossy trunk and retrieving his Reader's Digest.  
"Well, natch," replied the girl, inspecting her nails. "My singing's been known to disarm a dwarf at fifty paces, savvy? I'm Dill, by the by. Tomboy Dill, resident Warden of Edward-Wood." She said, offering a hand to Fido.  
"Fido Friggins, at your service," said the bewildered Rabbit, "Listen; you haven't seen any other Rabbits around here have you? Small, furry, 'bout 3'5", very likely to be sitting on the ground with their eyes tightly shut and muttering 'there's no place like home'?" asked Fido.  
"Oh, yeah, I think I saw something like that over that-a-way," she waved her arm vaguely behind her, "but I had to save the trees before anything else, man. Make leaves, not war, savvy?" she laughed.  
Fido smiled nervously. The girl was clearly deranged. Oh well, he thought. At least she wasn't deranged and trying to kill him, unlike that robed creature.  
"Yeah, I knew you'd be a dude if you're enemies with the Seagûl," she continued. "Jeez, I hate those punks. Give me a flamethrower and half an hour alone with them any day, savvy? And I'm meant to be a vegetarian! Shall we?" she indicated to Fido, motioning for him to accompany her into the woods, "Let's go get your homeys. Any enemy of the Seagûl is a boo of mine."  
"The Seagûl? Is that what that thing was?"  
"Yeah. Well, kinda. That was a Seagûl. You need nine of those freaks to get the Seagûl; cos there were these nine king dudes who Saurondemort ensnared with nine Ring-pulls, yonks ago. Back when he was trying to take over Middly-Squat Earth. Haven't seen any Seagûl since he was defeated. There's a song about the Seagûl, y'know:  
  
A long, long time ago  
(Or so the elves remember)  
Saurondemort's Ring-pulls made us smile  
But as soon as he got the chance  
He beat up Middly-Squat Earth's residents  
And they were unhappy for a while  
So Saurondemort made us shiver  
With every Ring-pull he'd deliver  
Three on the elves doorstep  
Seven dwarves couldn't take one more step  
But nine kings must've cried  
When to them Saurondemort lied  
His Ring-pulls scorched them deep inside  
The day the Seagûl died..."  
  
"That's enough!" yelled Fido, tenderly rubbing his huge Rabbits ears, über-sensitive to Dill's banshee-like wailing.  
"Ooh, soz, little dude. But what's a flat note between friends, eh?"  
Fido opened his mouth to reply when he noticed six Rabbit feet protruding from under a rose bush.  
"Lamb? Smelly? Pipsqueak? Is that you?" he asked. There was no reply. Grabbing three feet each, Dill and Fido hoisted the Rabbits from under the bush. All three had their paws over their eyes and were whimpering. Fido rolled his own eyes.  
"Yo! Rabbit dude! You're safe now, savvy?" yelled Dill into Pipsqueaks earlobe. Still no answer.  
A swift kick in the shins later (and somewhere else for Lamb, who'd remained stubbornly silent), and introductions were made all round.  
"So, what're you dudes doin' out here, anyhoos?" asked Dill, "Rabbits usually stay in the Shy-er, thank Gawd. No offence, and all that." She added. Fido remained silent, as Gangwarf had said not to tell anyone of the Ring-pull. Lamb, who could always be replied upon (and was rather taken with Dill), blabbed immediately.  
"We be a takin' this here magic Ring-pull to Chip'n'Dell or Saurondemort will be a takin' over Middly-Squat Earth." He rasped, looking at Dill (read: Dill's legs) with glassy eyes.  
"Oookay, number one; in your dreams pal," said Dill, deflating Lamb's ego like the Hindenburg, "and number two; the Ring-pull? Like, the One Ring- pull?"  
"'Fraid so," said Fido, "but it's meant to be a secret." He shot Lamb a withering look, but missed and inadvertently killed a silver birch several feet to the left.  
"Chill, dude. I'm a good guy, natch. But you're aaages from Chip'n'Dell, and you're, like, going totally in the wrong direction. What you need," said Dill, a sudden light coming into her eyes, "is a guide. And who better than the Edward-Wood Ward herself?"  
"But who'll look after Edward-Wood?" asked Pipsqueak, accidentally snagging his kilt on a low branch.  
"Pfft. Who cares? I need an adventure. Plus, major score to settle with that Saurondemort creep, the filthy, cheatin', lyin' freakola. What did that stupid spider have that I didn't, anyways?" she said angrily to no- one in particular.  
"Eight legs?" said Smelly quite innocently, but he received a well aimed jab in the eye from Dill.  
The five adventurers made their way to the edge of Edward-Wood, and found themselves on a ridge overlooking the village of Brie, and the whole of the Cheeselands. In the distance they could see the lights of Camembert twinkling like so much glitter lip-gloss, and directly below them was the settlement of Stilton, and it's sister town Mature-Cheddar.  
"Another couple of hours trudging, and we'll be in Brie, I think." Said Fido, surveying the Cheeselands before him.  
Suddenly an all too familiar quacking and flapping noise issued from the woods behind them.  
"Eeek!" cried everyone, "Seagûl!"  
And there they were, four tall, menacing, black-robed birds advancing slowly on the party.  
"What's the plan, Dill?" asked Pipsqueak, his voice trembling like an active volcano.  
"Uh, RUN, y'idiots!" yelled Dill, and all five made like greased lightning for Brie, the terrifying Seagûl just behind them.  
Before blind fear finally overcame Smelly at the gates of Brie, he vaguely remembered Dill turning and facing the Seagûl, and opening her mouth she issued a terrifying noise:  
  
"Aaaaa.......... Pizza Hut, a Pizza Hut  
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut  
McDonalds, McDonalds  
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut"  
  
But soon the awful sound became too much for Smelly's delicate lobes and he fainted, right on cue for the next chapter. 


	3. Brie

Chapter Three Brie- Come for the Inns, Stay for the Near Death Experiences  
  
Dill awoke the unconscious Rabbits with a sharp pull on their ears, and soon all four stood shakily to their feet, still traumatised from the combined effect of the Fast-Food Song and Dill's awful singing. The Seagûl were no-where to be seen.  
"Have they gone?" asked Fido nervously.  
"For now," replied Dill, "but they'll be back. And you can bet your bottom shilling that when they are, they'll have figured out a way to beat the ear-drum shattering power of my singing. They're sneaky like that, savvy?"  
"What shall we do?" wailed Smelly.  
"We'll stick to the plan, and meet Gangwarf in Brie village centre. He'll be able to stop those brutes." Said Fido resolutely.  
Dill snorted derisively.  
"Because card tricks usually stop evil undead minions."  
Fido ignored her and looked at the village that stood before them. Brie was the chief village of the Cheeselands, and one of the wonders of Middly-Squat Earth, as the entire village was constructed completely from dairy produce. Consequently, it attracted no vegan tourists.  
It was inhabited by a race of men, short and heavyset, with sloping foreheads and monobrows, with manners that would make Genghis Khan look sweet and considerate in comparison, and the same mental capacity of your average Jacob's Cracker (after the fall of Middly-Squat Earth, most of this race relocated in Walsall, England).  
Brie itself was the Vegas of Middly-Squat Earth, with countless cheese casinos, milk-wrestling joints and yoghurt speakeasies, a place where if you were brighter than the locals (and that's everything evolution- wise from amoebas upwards) you could be in con heaven. Therefore, Brie was a veritable second home for Gangwarf.  
Fido assumed he would find the wizard in the finest eating establishment in all Brie, Gangwarf's favourite den of iniquity. It was there he astounded locals with his ten-a-penny card tricks, his old-pull- the-egg-from-the-ear trick, and his uncanny ability to make £10 notes disappear before their owner's very eyes.  
"So where are we meeting with Gangwarf?" asked Pipsqueak, idly nibbling on cheese-houses as they walked through the narrow streets.  
"Only the finest eating establishment in all of Brie," said Fido proudly, "McDonalds, in the common tongue."  
"Well, that speaks volumes about the fine cuisine around here," observed Dill, "but a McDonalds made entirely from cheese? Mmm... cholesterol- y."  
After ten minutes uphill struggle to the centre of Brie, they eventually came to the McDonalds restaurant. It looked the same as a regular McDonalds, even though it was made of cheese. Edam had been used to create an authentic tacky, plastic look on the 'M' sign.  
They entered the restaurant and managed to find a five-seater table. Dill (and much to her annoyance, Lamb) sat down, while Smelly and Pipsqueak went to get a Happy Meal each (it was Harry Potter and the Magical Money Spinning Sell-Out of Azkaban toys this month), and Fido scanned the room for a large crowd demanding their money back, i.e. where Gangwarf was.  
But the only people dining that evening were seven dwarves eyeing up a pale girl in the next booth, a couple of elves trying to drink the coffee (careful! It's really hot!), a few undead pirates, Elvis, and three disgruntled bears complaining about everything in sight: the seats, the porridge, you name it. In a very un-ominous shadowy corner sat a man who had escaped Fido's attention before, because he was dressed in a discreet skin tight blue Lycra catsuit, a long red Lycra cape, red Lycra boots and what appeared to be a pair of red Lycra underpants over his catsuit. On his chest was a yellow pentagon with the letter 'T' emblazoned on it. Fido turned to the greasy teen operating the cash register.  
"Excuse me," Fido said, "but who's the Halloween reject in the corner?"  
"I 'unno. D'you want fries with that, gramps?" the teen replied, in the cheery fashion of all McDonald's employees.  
Fido declined, and slid into the booth alongside the Rabbits and Dill, dejectedly munching one of Pipsqueak's Chicken Nuggets.  
"No Gangwarf, Mr Fido?" inquired Lamb.  
"Another brilliant deduction, Sherlock." Dill commented.  
"I hope he's alright." Said Fido worriedly, "I can't help thinking something's happened to him, what with the Seagûl roaming around out there..." he trailed off sadly.  
"Aww, chill, Fidster," said Dill "I dunno what you're worrying about. In two thousand-ish years of knowing Gangwarf, not once has he ever shown any indication of punctuality. He'll turn up, y'know, in a day or so. Ok a month or so." She added, catching Fido's dirty look, which she cleaned and gave back to him.  
"A month!" squeaked Pipsqueak, "Och aye, but we cannae wait a month captain, uh, Fido. The Seagûl will get us!"  
"Well, duh..." began Dill, when she was cut short by a series of smoke signals, a hurried SOS, a couple of discreet coughs from behind them and a quick tap on Fido's shoulder.  
Smelly pulled everyone into a huddle.  
"Now it may just be me," he said, "but I think someone's trying to get our attention."  
Fido was about to echo Dill's last remark when he was yanked from his chair and pulled behind the Happy Meal display case.  
"We must talk, young Rabbit." Said a voice. On closer inspection, Fido found it belonged to the oddly clad fellow from the un-ominous shadowy corner.  
"We must?" Fido replied, his voice rather higher than usual.  
"Aye," answered the man, "Evil forces are hot-footing it after you as we speak. Gangwarf cannot help you." He said sinisterly.  
"You mean the Seagûl? We did the whole meeting them thing back in Edward-Wood. No offence, bub, but who the heck are you?" asked Fido.  
"In Brie, I am called Trotter, but it is not my true name." said Trotter.  
"No kidding. No parent would be so cruel. Hey, what were you saying about Gangwarf?"  
"He cannot help you." Repeated Trotter.  
"Yes... you already said that." Said Fido slowly. Trotter looked blankly at him. "Care to expand on it?" said Fido exasperatedly.  
"Oh right! No, nothing else about Gangwarf." Said Trotter, a blank look reappearing on his face. "Uh, apart from this letter from Gangwarf," he said, producing the manuscript from the folds of his shadowy cloak, "It's for a Mr Fido Friggins."  
"That's me!" cried Fido. Thirty seconds passed. "Can I have my letter then?" asked the Rabbit.  
"If you like." Said Trotter, smiling idiotically. Fido opened it, looking worriedly at the rather slow Trotter.  
  
'Dear Fido,' it read  
  
'If you're reading this, it means you're with Trotter. You have my full sympathy. But I was desperate you see. Sorry I can't be there in person, but I've had bad news. Our cover's been blown! Saurondemort knows you've got the Ring-pull (Dobby. Need I say more?), and will no doubt send his foul Seagûl after you, so keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled. I would return to help you, but I'm not going to. I am going to visit Sorryman in Ivanhoe, who can help, cos he's definitely not evil, I swear. If he is, I'll eat my hat. If it's urgent, I can be reached on 0800 CALL-IVANHOE. I suppose Trotter'll tag along with you, (he knows the way to Chip'n'Dell. He's been kicked out of there enough times so he should), so you'd better know his real name is Aragormless (by name, by nature, as you've probably guessed). I'll meet you in Chip'n'Dell (promise!)  
Live long and prosper!  
Gangwarf  
  
PS if you've met up with Tomboy Dill, tell her I gave her back that £20.'  
  
Fido folded the letter with an increasing sense of dread. It was a long and difficult journey to Chip'n'Dell, worsened without Gangwarf.  
"Would you mind awfully," he said to Trotter, "If I asked you to lead me and my companions to Chip'n'Dell? I don't know the way."  
Trotter's eyes lit up.  
"Ahh, Chip'n'Dell, home to Kelly the elf." He sighed, and added more gruffly "Yes, my good Rabbit, I shall lead thee and thine companions forth to Chip'n'Dell, or my name isn't Strider!" he cried.  
"It's not," said Fido, hastily looking at the script, "its Trotter."  
"Oh. Well, that works too." Trotter smiled in his usual brainless way, and Fido led him back to the others.  
"Oh my God!" said a horror struck Dill, choking on her veggie burger, "um, I mean, hi Aragormless! Long time no see!"  
"Hullo Dill!" replied Trotter cheerily, as Dill dragged Fido away from the others, a huge fake smile plastered on her face.  
"Why in the name of Austin Powers is that freakola here?" she said furiously to Fido once they were out of earshot.  
"He knows about our quest! Gangwarf gave him a letter to give to me, and he said he's going to lead us to Chip'n'Dell." Replied the confused Rabbit.  
At this Dill nearly passed out with shock. "Over my dead body is he leading us to Chip'n'Dell! This guy is a jinx, Fido! He'll lead the Seagûl to us! You might as well put a big neon sign over us, saying 'Yoo hoo! We've got the Ring-pull! Come and kill us!'"  
"Don't be stupid, Dill..." began Fido, when he was cut off by a large cloaked bird creature trying to throttle him.  
"Aw, crap." Said Dill, and she launched into a truly awful rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On'. But, to no avail, for the Seagûl had invested in some earmuffs and were now immune to her singing.  
"Smelly! Pipsqueak! Lamb! Aragormless! Little help?" she cried, loading her handgun and taking aim at the Seagûl.  
The other four came running over, and Aragormless drew his sword.  
"Behold! For here in my hand is the ancient blade Excannibal, which I have killed many D'orcs with!" he cried, and proceeded to charge at the Seagûl, now accompanied by its eight companions. En route, he tripped over his sword belt and got his sword neatly wedged in the Happy Meal display case. The restaurant rang with the noise of Seagûl laughter, and Aragormless, embarrassed, started to cry.  
While everyone else was distracted, Dill emptied a few rounds in the Seagûl's direction and led the Rabbits out of a window in the toilets, and ran through the backstreets of Brie, towards the wild lands that lay between there and Chip'n'Dell.  
"What about Trotter? We can't be a leavin him." Gasped Lamb, panting as they stopped at a cheese fence on the borders of Brie.  
Dill looked desperately at Fido.  
"We should return for him," Decided Fido, "he knows the way to Chip'n'Dell."  
"And he's got my Hermione toy!" added Smelly. "Oh, bloody hell!" said Dill, and she ran back towards Brie, leaving the Rabbits, and retuning five minutes later, dragging a still sobbing Trotter behind her.  
"The Seagûl are still out cold." Said Dill, "we should try to get to Chip'n'Dell now."  
  
"Nay, we should make for the spa of Whetherstop, where we can have a little R and R." said Trotter, regaining control of himself.  
"Fine. Whatever. Listen to the bloody jinx for all I care," said Dill, and she mooched off to repaint her nails.  
Fido looked at the rest of the Rabbits, who all nodded.  
"Which way's Whetherstop?" they said as one, and Trotter grinned. Dill flicked nail varnish at the back of his head.  
"Bloody jinx," she grumbled, and slouched after the others, as they made their way to the next chapter. 


	4. Again With The Seagul

Chapter Four Again With the Seagûl  
  
Four days later, the hill of Whetherstop lay before the party like a big lump of earth blocking their path. Probably because it was a big lump of earth in the shape of a hill. Fido looked disappointedly at it.  
  
"I thought you said it was a spa!" he whined to Aragormless.  
  
"Have faith, Rover. The legendary spa of Whetherstop lies at the top of yonder... big lump of earth. So onward we must climb!" replied the ranger heartily.  
  
"It's Fido, you idiot." The Rabbit muttered. He was beginning to regret going with Trotter's plan. For the past four days the Rabbits had exhausted themselves following him through the wilderness, until Aragormless realised Whetherstop was usually only 10 minutes stroll from Brie, and had had to double back quickly (quickly meaning not really very quickly). The Rabbits by this time were very much looking forward to the massages and foot rubs renown throughout Middly-Squat Earth that they would receive at Whetherstop.  
  
So, of course, they were a trifle disappointed when they reached the top of the hill.  
  
Whetherstop's spa looked like it had been out of business for quite some time. The Rabbits came to this conclusion from the many holes in the walls, the general lack of roof, and the large sign on the door of the salon which read:  
  
Whetherstop: Out of business since before Saurondemort had even heard  
  
of Ring-pulls  
  
Dill came over the top of the hill after the Rabbits.  
  
"Would this be a bad time to say 'I told you so'?" She inquired. Deftly dodging the Rabbit knives thrown in her direction, she added "Yes, then. Want me to go and give Aragormless a new definition of pain and suffering?"  
  
Encouraged by furious head nodding from the Rabbits, Dill loaded her handgun, but suddenly realised that Aragormless had made like a fork in a road that goes left, and left.  
  
"Where be Trotter?" inquired Lamb.  
  
"Good question. And I was really gonna kick his..." began Dill, when Trotter came bounding from behind a derelict Jacuzzi, waving several swords around his head. "Whoa, there, Trotter! I wasn't really gonna hurt you! It was the Rabbits! The Rabbits I tell ya!" said Dill, neatly sidestepping.  
  
"Huh?" said Aragormless, "What you talking 'bout, Dillys? I've brought the Rabbits these perfect little Rabbit- sized swords. That I had on me already. Even though you couldn't see them, I did have them. Honestly!"  
  
Everyone shrugged, and set up camp in a little storage unit on the side of the hill.  
  
"I shall keep watch." vowed Aragormless, who was snoring his head off five minutes later. Dill muttered something about finding some more nail varnish, and disappeared back up the staircase to the top of the hill. Nestled between some mouldy old manicure sets and an out of date tub of exfoliating scrub, with Lamb, Pipsqueak and Smelly sleeping next to him, Fido yawned widely, and knowing he would probably regret it later, fell asleep.  
  
Fido awoke suddenly, from an awful dream.  
  
"What an awful dream! I dreamt that Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak were cooking over a large fire that would be clearly visible for miles around, and of course they'd never do anything that stupid."  
  
"Hey, Mr Fido!" said Lamb, "We've been a ordering fast food on this here glow-in-the-dark mobile phone, that is clearly visible for miles around. We ordered you a pizza!"  
  
"I'd thank you, Lamb, but the eerie quacking noises from below us are kinda drowning my voice out."  
  
"Um, should we be running?" inquired Smelly.  
  
"Let's do that." said Fido, already sprinting up the stairs two at a time.  
  
"Dill! Trotter! Help!" cried the Rabbits upon reaching the main spa area, but the humans were nowhere to be seen.  
  
Suddenly, a large wing knocked on the broken glass in the door of the spa.  
  
"Who be it?" asked Lamb nervously.  
  
"Pizza delivery Guy." came the reply.  
  
"About time too!" cried Smelly, and he leapt forwards to open the door. With a triumphant cry a Seagûl sprang through the door, closely followed by four others.  
  
"You don't look like Dominoes employees!" cried Smelly, aghast. "You're not from Pizza Hut, are you?"  
  
"Give us the Ring-pull, little rat creatures!" cried the lead Seagûl, giving Smelly a sharp blow to the cranium, who fell to the floor, unconscious.  
  
"Well, how rude! We haven't even seen our pizzas yet!" said an angry Pipsqueak, who was promptly knocked out by Seagûl number two.  
  
"Looks like it's just us, Lamb. Give my regards to Broadway!" cried Fido, melodramatic to the last.  
  
"Mr Fido, I may never be a gettin another chance to be a sayin this, so here goes: I love..." But Lamb was also knocked out before he could finish that particular sentence. Phew.  
  
Fido looked up at the five Seagûl bearing down on him, and had the strangest desire to put the Ring-pull on. Which, being a stupid Rabbit, he did without hesitation. Suddenly the world went all fuzzy, and the Seagûl were revealed to him in their true forms.  
  
"You weren't great kings of men! You're all Labour politicians! Nooooooo!" Fido cried in terror.  
  
"Well, I don't really think that's the issue here. But after you give us the Ring-pull, we will stamp down hard on crime, improve the NHS, and never, ever go to war again. Ever." Replied the lead Seagûl, using many hand gestures to further traumatise Fido.  
  
"No! I'll never give in! You can have the Ring-pull over my dead body!"  
  
"Well, that was the general idea." said the Seagûl, who drew a pointy looking sword and stabbed Fido.  
  
"Ow! That really hurts!" he cried, pulling off the Ring-pull.  
  
"Yeah, it'll do that." said a familiar voice. Fido looked up to see Dill, and a nervous looking Trotter, waving lighters at the Seagûl.  
  
"Nooo! Fire bad! Run away! Run away!" cried the Seagûl, who ran away.  
  
"Yeah! And stay out!" called Aragormless after them.  
  
The other Rabbits regained consciousness, and rushed over to Fido.  
  
"Are you alright, Mr Fido?" asked a distraught Lamb.  
  
".......dying......." croaked Fido.  
  
"Now can we go to Chip'n'Dell?" said Dill.  
  
"Aye, for young Rex seems to be in some sort of pain." said Trotter.  
  
"....it's....Fido....you....idiot....."  
  
Soon the six companions were packed and running down the hill towards Chip'n'Dell. Some five minutes later a motorcycle drew up to the hill of Whetherstop, and a figure dismounted, carrying four large boxes.  
  
"Hey, Rabbit guys? You're pizzas are, like, going cold. Um, where is everyone?"  
  
Scurrying like six expert scurriers in a national scurrying contest, the Rabbits, Dill and Trotter, tore through the wilderness.  
  
Fido was rapidly deteriorating, for the black magic of the Seagûl was spreading through his body from the sword wound. Little rose-shaped marks appeared all over his body, and he would say odd things like 'education, education, education', and 'We will stand by the US' at intervals.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" asked Pipsqueak fearfully.  
  
"He's turning into a Seagûl." Said Dill grimly "If we don't get him to Chip'n'Dell in time, he'll eventually become a politician like them, with a seat in..." She shuddered "....Ashby de la Zouch."   
  
Finally, after two hours of stumbling through the undergrowth, Fido keeled over. Lamb burst into tears, and Smelly and Pipsqueak held a 20 second silence for their fallen comrade, before going through his pockets and stealing his wallet, everyone ignoring Fido's cries of 'I'm not dead yet!'  
  
"This is an evil day!" cried Aragormless despairingly. "Alas for poor... whatever his name was." Dill rolled her eyes.   
  
"Maybe we should stop sitting down and crying over Fido's demise, and try to get to Chip'n'Dell before he really does kick it?" She said, her voice laced with sarcasm.  
  
Everyone looked at her as if she'd gone mad. Rolling her eyes so much they nearly got stuck permanently looking upwards, Dill decided to let them get on with it, and fished a mobile phone out of her bag and made a call.  
  
"Hi, Glorfindel, Dill here...... Tomboy Dill...... Edward-Wood Tomboy Dill? We went out with each other back in the Second Age...... Yes, that Tomboy Dill. Look, no time for small talk, I've got the One Ring-pull here, all nine Seagûl on my tail and a very dead looking Rabbit, so if you could send a horse or whatever I'd be so grateful.... Yeah, I'm just outside Chip'n'Dell....... What? No, I will not go out with you again.... Oh, yeah, resort to petty insults. That's so like you." And with that she hung up, muttering something about her hair being just as shiny as an elf's.  
  
An hour or so later the noise of hooves could be heard in forest around them, and an elf on a horse came into view.   
  
"Hey Glorfindel," said Dill resignedly. "Long time no....huh?" began Dill, when suddenly the elf was lassoed from his horse and pulled into the woods, and the sounds of a scuffle could be heard.   
  
Another elf then stepped into view, out of the trees, clad in a slightly ripped fluorescent pink dress, a crooked tiara, more eyeliner you could shake a stick at and a sash saying: 'Chip'n'Dell Punk Rock Queen for 2000 consecutive years.' In her hand she held a bouquet of flowers that looked like it had recently been used to pacify one of Tomboy Dill's (numerous) ex- boyfriends.   
  
"Now who's fat?" the female elf yelled victoriously to the other elf, now lying (presumably) unconscious in the woods. Suddenly she noticed everyone looking at her.   
  
"Hi!" she said in a drawling voice "Um, like, welcome to Chip'n'Dell, Middly-Squat Earth's best (and only) retirement home for ageing rockers!" she paused, squinting at Dill. "Oh, my god, is that Tomboy Dill? Who'd have thought you'd show up around here, after last time?" the elf said vindictively.   
  
"Yeah, how's you dad now, anyway? Still pining for me?" Dill shot back, equally nastily. Little daggers appeared in the air between the two girls. And not a few spears, arrows and nuclear missiles, for that matter. Suddenly Trotter cried out   
  
"My love! Fair Kelly of Chip'n'Dell! You have come to meet me from my long and arduous journey!" he leapt forwards, arms wide open. Kelly the elf looked horror stricken. A few of her neon pink hairs actually turned white from the shock. After a few moments, she regained the ability to speak.   
  
"What in the name of MTV are you doing here? I thought that the restraining order stopped you coming in, like, a 100 mile radius of me!" she said furiously.   
  
"True love cannot be restrained, fair Kelly!"   
  
Dill stepped forwards. "This is all well and good, but we really need to get Fido into Chip'n'Dell. He's getting worse."   
  
Everyone looked at the Rabbit, who had now broken into a rousing chorus of 'Things Can Only Get Better'.   
  
"No way am I letting him in Chip'n'Dell." Said Kelly, fixing Aragormless a look so cold it would've frozen a Balrog.   
  
"But Gangwarf invited me!" said Trotter, indignant for the first time.   
  
"Oh!" said Kelly, a look of comprehension dawning on her face. "So that's why the drains kept getting clogged with hair. And that, like, explains the weird smell."   
  
Suddenly a distant 'quack' pierced the air. Everyone froze. "Is that, like, the Seagûl? Oh, my god. When did they make a come back? I know they did that Christmas special last year, but I thought that was a one off." said Kelly. "You guys better, like, come back with me. Yeah, you too." She said to Trotter. "But no touching, looking, or general breathing in my direction." She said icily.   
  
"The funny thing is," Dill muttered to the Rabbits as she picked up Fido, "that's the nicest thing Kelly's ever said to him."   
  
They all followed Kelly through the woods towards the river which separated Chip'n'Dell from the outside world (no-one's really sure who benefits more from this; Chip'n'Dell residents or the outside world), the quacking noises getting gradually louder and closer.   
  
They reached the river. It was wide, deep, piranha infested and surrounded with barbed wire fencing. A large sign hung from a gate reading:  
  
Warning, Elves Ahead. Beware of pretentious speeches. Please shield your  
  
eyes due to excessively shiny hair. Have a nice day!  
  
Kelly fumbled with the lock on the gate, and went through, crossing a rickety bridge (and ignoring the empty threats from the troll squatters who lived underneath it) and onto the pixie-dust laden shores of Chip'n'Dell. Trotter followed her like a very greasy puppy dog, with Smelly, Pipsqueak and Lamb close behind, and Dill bringing up the rear carrying Fido.   
  
Dill turned around to lock the gate behind her, when a large feathery wing snatched Fido from where he was currently tucked under her arm.   
  
"Yoink!" said a sinister voice. It was a Seagûl (it wasn't going to be Mickey Mouse, now, was it?), surrounded by its eight companions, all looking as menacing and evil as only politicians can.   
  
"This is getting annoying" sighed Dill, and she grasped at Fido's foot, and pulled him back.   
  
This may have gone on for some time, if Glorfindel hadn't stumbled out of the woods at that very moment, armed with a bucket of water to throw at Kelly and her perfect eye make-up. A small rock, by a strange series of coincidences, happened to be five centimetres to the right of where it usually lay, and was now in the centre of the path. Unfortunately, this is exactly the spot Glorfindel had chosen to reconnect one of his feet with the earth's surface.   
  
"Aggghrrr!" said Glorfindel   
  
"Splash!" said the water, no-longer in the bucket, as it collided with the Seagûl who was trying to wrench Fido and the Ring-pull from Dill. The ground now being wet, plus the Seagûl's feet being webbed and friction- less, inevitably added up to nine Seagûl sliding past Dill and plummeting into a piranha infested river, and being swept away in a tide of piranhas and, obviously, water.   
  
But being pulled from Dill's grasp by a Seagûl was the last straw for Fido. With a last feeble cry of "Education!" he fell to the ground, his ragged breathing sounding like Darth Vader on Valium.   
  
"Mr Fido!" yelled Lamb, and he rushed forwards, knocking Dill out of the way. But Fido was no longer breathing. Distraught, the six companions and Kelly hauled Fido up the path to Chip'n'Dell, and towards the pretty bleak- looking next chapter. What with Fido being dead and all*.  
  
*Not really. Wouldn't be much of a book if he was! 


	5. Ringpulling your leg, Fido

Chapter Five Ring-pulling your leg, Fido  
  
A voice was calling to him. Fido was in darkness, but by the voice a light shone. And the voice said "come to the light Fido..... come to the light".  
  
Or, thought Fido absently, it might be saying "If you don't wake up this instant, Fido Friggins, I will personally make you endure a live, uninterrupted, five-hour performance from my Dancing Goblins."  
  
Fido's eyes snapped open.  
  
"Gangwarf?" he asked uncertainly.  
  
"Good morning. How are you doing, my dear Fido?" the wizard asked with the air of a kindly, concerned uncle. Fido, of course, wasn't fooled for a second.  
  
"What do you mean, how am I doing? I nearly died, you idiotic illusionist! And it's entirely your fault, may I remind you! Where were you in Brie?" asked the infuriated Rabbit.  
  
"You're well enough to insult me, I see." Said Gangwarf shrewdly.  
  
"You didn't answer my question. Where were you?" repeated Fido. The wizard's eyes became unfocused, and he was staring into space.  
  
"Gangwarf?" said Fido, worriedly.  
  
"Quiet, silly." Snapped the wizard. "I'm obviously having an important flashback!" he resumed staring past Fido's head, a glazed look in his eyes. This went on for about five minutes, when suddenly Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak burst into the room in joy.  
  
"Fido! You're awake!" they all yelled joyfully, with much joy in their voices (I've lost my thesaurus. So sue me).  
  
Suddenly loud heavy metal music filled the room. Now, heavy metal is loud for humans, but for Rabbits, who have ears the size of trumpets, heavy metal music sounds like, well, really, really, loud heavy metal music. Which is not good.  
  
"What is that?" Fido yelled, loudly.  
  
"Ah, I see Ozzy is awake." Said Gangwarf. Upon Fido's curious glance, he explained "Ozzy is the owner of Chip'n'Dell. A famous minstrel back in the Fabled First Age of Middly-Squat Earth, he retired to his secluded mansion of Chip'n'Dell some time ago, to pursue....ah... other hobbies."  
  
"You mean when he got dropped by his record label because of that rapper." Said Dill dryly, also stepping into Fido's room.  
  
"What is this, open house?" Fido said sarcastically.  
  
"Oh, thanks very much for rescuing me from the Seagûl, Dill, I'd be dead without your quick thinking." She said pointedly. "Y'know, I'm the one who actually thought to bandage you up, while Trotter stood around hemming and hawing over what leaves to stick in you, and everyone else argued over what epitaph would best sum you up." she sighed. "And Mother wonders why I stay in Edward-Wood all the time." she finished.  
  
The Rabbits laughed good-naturedly at her, and a comfortable silence fell on the room, pierced only by distant cries of "Stay out of my underwear draw, you pervert!" coming from the direction of Kelly's room.  
  
"Well," said Gangwarf eventually, "I have places to go, elves to see, so I'll take my leave and give you some peace, Fido."  
  
Fido gave a short cough, which sounded oddly like the word 'finally'.  
  
Feeling a little better, Fido later wondered around Chip'n'Dell, seeing it's many wondrous artefacts and curiosities, amongst which were the real Turin Shroud, the Jules Rimet cup, some genuine cursed pirate treasure, and an Oscar for Best Original Song, which had the name 'Eminem' crossed out repeatedly, and 'Ozzy' scrawled over the top.  
  
Fido, staring in wonder at a very good forgery of Da Vinci's 'The Last Supper', suddenly heard a familiar voice behind him.  
  
"Did I really enrage the population of Rabbiton as much as Gangwarf said?" the voice said (a little too) hopefully.  
  
"Uncle Bigblo!" cried Fido, "What are you doing here? I thought you were going south."  
  
"Ah, no, that fell though, sadly. It seems Saurondemort is killing, well, everyone he can within 100 miles of Mordors-Less Windows, so I thought I'd stay here instead. I always liked the mountains. But you can go a bit deaf, after a while." He said, as Ozzy's music started again.  
  
"Speaking of Saurondemort, Uncle Bigblo, you probably didn't realise at the time, but the Ring-pull you left me was actually the One Ring-pull!" Said Fido.  
  
"No! Really?" said Bigblo, in (very convincing) mock surprise.  
  
"Yes!" said Fido fervently, falling for Bigblo's lie hook, line, sinker, and fish, too. "I nearly died several times, because of the Seagûl, who were hunting me."  
  
"Shocking!" said Bigblo, a slight grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.  
  
"I know! But, don't worry Uncle, I know it wasn't your fault. You didn't know it was the One Ring-pull. I made it to Chip'n'Dell safely, that's the only thing that matters."  
  
"Mmm," Bigblo nodded, barely concealing his hysterics now. "Well, you better run along, I hear there's a feast in your honour tonight." He said, and Fido skipped away, none the wiser.  
  
Bigblo grinned evilly at his nephew's back. "Sucker."  
  
There was indeed to be a feast for Fido that evening, as Bigblo had said, and when Fido arrived in the feasting hall, he saw the usual array of people present at Chip'n'Dell. Elves, obviously, a few dwarves, a handful of men, the three Billy goats gruff, the tooth fairy, Santa, a velociraptor that had converted to vegetarianism, Itchy and Scratchy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the two remaining Beatles, and the entire cast of Eastenders.   
  
At a table at one end of the hall sat the other three Rabbits, Bigblo, and Aragormless, who was leaning over a disgruntled Gangwarf to gaze avidly at Kelly. Next to Kelly, in the centre of the table, sat an emaciated elf with very dark glasses on; Ozzy himself. On Ozzy's left sat Tomboy Dill and some other citizens of Middly-Squat Earth who Fido did not recognise. He was ushered to this table, and was placed between Dill and a female elf with long golden-brown hair, dressed in the traditional jeans-and-T-shirt garb of all elves.  
  
"Hey, Fido!" said Dill. "Let me introduce you to one of my best friends," she indicated the elf next to her. "This is Leggylass, from Irk-wood. We go waaay back" she said. Leggylass smiled at Fido.   
  
"It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a Rabbit." The elf said. "Such a little Rabbit." Said Dill, and they burst into laughter.  
  
Fido, feeling unnerved by Dill and her equally deranged elf friend, not to mention a little put-out to be called 'so small a Rabbit', looked past Leggylass and decided to talk to the dwarf sitting beside her, who had a large black moustache and was puffing a cigar.   
  
"Oy vey, so you've got the Ring-pull, am I right? So disastrous, already." Said the dwarf, in an accent Fido could not quite place.   
  
"Fido Friggins, pleased to meet you." He said.   
  
"The feeling's mutual, you schmuck." Said the dwarf.   
  
"Excuse me?" said Fido, unsure what a 'schmuck' actually was.   
  
"Grouchi the dvarf, at your service already. Oy, this is a tough crowd." He said, after Fido looked blankly at the dwarf, who was quite clearly a few nuggets short of a goldmine. Fido decided to move on. It can't get any weirder than that guy, he thought to himself, and struck up a conversation with the man to Grouchi's left.   
  
"Hi, I'm Fido Friggins," he began, "I brought the Ring-pull here, y'know." The man's face suddenly shone.   
  
"Can I have it?" he said.   
  
"I'm sorry?"   
  
"I, uh, mean, do you have it? Here with you. Yes, clearly that's what I meant. Do you have it here with you?" The man said quickly.   
  
"No," said Fido, moving his chair a little away from the man, "It's safely locked away somewhere secret. Who are you, anyway?" he asked, desperately trying to change the subject. The man drew himself up impressively.   
  
"I," he said, "am none other than Barometer, son of Benidorm, the Steward of Front-dor. You may have heard of me."   
  
"Uh, no, not to my knowledge." Said Fido.   
  
"Oh." Said the man disappointedly. "Lots of other people have, though." He said, more to himself than Fido.   
  
"I'm sure they have." Said Fido, moving his chair even closer to Dill, and wishing furiously that food would be served and he wouldn't have to talk to any more of these freaks.   
  
After a while, the 'feast' was brought out. Fido personally thought he'd seen more appealing food at a school harvest festival. The starter was a piece of bread with something on it that may have been blue-cheese spread or mould. The main course was the smallest, leanest steak Fido had ever seen, with a congealed lump of spinach on the side (which was better than Dill's vegetarian option, anyway, which consisted of a congealed lump of spinach and a piece of cheddar cheese), and Fido didn't touch the sweet, because neither he, Dill, Grouchi, Barometer nor Leggylass could figure out exactly what it was.   
  
After picking at his meagre meal for fifteen minutes, Fido was rescued when Ozzy the elf stood up, and a hush fell on the room. Fido later realised this had nothing to do with everyone being in awe of Ozzy, but total silence was needed so everyone could try to understand what he was saying.   
  
"Ahwannathanyallf'comin,cosyouknoAhwasbroughtupinthaback-streezofBirminum, inInglund, an'Ahnevahadnofrienz." Ozzy said, his voice feebler and shakier than George Bush Jr's grammar. "BurightnowIgorragoanholdasecretcouncil, y'know, soeveryonewho werentinviteds'gorragonow, anAh'llseeyoulata, alright?"   
  
Five minutes later, when everyone had worked out what Ozzy had actually said, everyone but those who sat at Ozzy's table got up from their seats and left the hall. A few chairs were rearranged by elf attendants into a semi-circle in the centre of the hall, and the party moved over to sit on them.  
  
Fido found himself on the edge of the arc of chairs, sitting next to Gangwarf. The wizard stood up.   
  
"Well, it appears we have a slight situation." Gangwarf said. "You all know why you have been summoned here. Saurondemort has become all powerful again, and it's up to us, the free people of Middly-Squat Earth to stand up and spit in his big, flaming eye and say "Nay!" to his foul deeds. It will not be easy, though.   
  
"He has many new allies, such as Sorryman, the most powerful wizard in Middly-Squat Earth. With the worst ideas of where to keep prisoners. On the top of a tower, I ask you! What's to stop me jumping off onto some giant eagle? What an idiot!" he carried on in this train of thought for a while, until Ozzy cleared his throat (he might have just been choking on a bat's head, though. You never can tell with Ozzy).   
  
"Ah, yes, well, I digress." said Gangwarf, "But there is still hope. As many of you know, we have found Saurondemort's One Ring-pull, and it is currently in the possession of Fido Friggins. We all know the rules that go with owning a Ring-pull, so it seems we have only one choice..."   
  
"Hang on!" Fido interrupted. "What rules? No-one tells me anything!"   
  
"Oy, didn't the vizard even tell you that, already? Vhat a schmoe!" said Grouchi. Dill stared at Fido   
  
"I thought you were a bit too chilled about the whole Ring-pull bearer deal. I just assumed you already knew about the whole bag of rotten bananas that goes with having the Ring-pull."   
  
"No, I didn't know." said Fido through gritted teeth. "Wasn't it enough for the Seagûl to nearly kill me several times?"   
  
"Nah, mate. Y'seetheresthis'oledealwivtherin- pullsayinthaooevasgorritcantgiv..." began Ozzy, when Kelly cut across him.   
  
"I'll field this one, Dad. Look, it's totally like this. If you've got the Ring-pull, you're, like, under oath to keep it from Saurondemort, and you have to, like, go and destroy it in Mordors-Less Windows."   
  
"WHAT?!?"   
  
"That's not all, dude," said Dill sadly, "Once you've got it, nobody can steal it from you without them going mad and dying horribly, and you can't throw it away or give it to anybody without you going mad and dying horribly. Bit of a bugger, that rule, really."   
  
"But," said Fido, trying to find a loop-hole "why did the Seagûl try to steal it from me?"   
  
"They're undead, so it doesn't matter for them." said Dill. "Plus they're all as crazy as foxes anyway, being politicians, so they can't go mad from It." added Leggylass.   
  
"But... but..." said Fido desperately. "Hey! How did Bigblo give it to me without him going mad and dying horribly?" he asked triumphantly.   
  
"Because you willingly accepted it from him. Which meant that you'd accepted the...ah... 'Whole bag of rotten bananas' that goes with it as well." said Gangwarf. Fido sat in his chair looking miserably at his outsized Rabbit feet.   
  
"Pray, do not feel so bad, young Rabbit." said Trotter, who had given up all pretence of knowing Fido's name. "We are as upset as you. If you had died when the Seagûl stabbed you, we wouldn't be in this predicament. We could have chosen someone strong and brave and of normal height to take the Ring-pull to Mordors-Less Windows. But now we're stuck with you. So we might as well prepare to be enslaved now."   
  
Fido sniffed. "Dill, why did you save me from the Seagûl? I could be dead now, and not faced with this awful task!" he said sadly.   
  
"Hey, don't blame me! I mighta been stuck with the thing! And trust me, only an idiot accepts the One Ring-pull..... Oh, right. Sorry."   
  
"Stop vhinging, already!" Said Grouchi. "So you've got the Ring-pull. Sitting and crying like a little baby girl won't help you, already. You've gotta get a backbone, ya dumb schmuck!"   
  
"So, you're sure he can't give the Ring-pull away? Not even to someone, hypothetically speaking, who would accept it willingly?" asked Barometer. Everyone glared at him. "I don't mean me, of course! Where would you get an idea like that?"   
  
Ignoring Barometer, Ozzy spoke up: "Nah,it'sFidozquestan'hesgorradoit,soAhthinkaf'lowshipshudgowiv 'imanmakesurehegetsta Mordors-Less Windows, y'know."   
  
"That's a good idea, Ozzy." said Gangwarf, who then did a double take. "Did everyone else hear that, or was it just me? Ozzy actually had a good idea."   
  
"Could you translate it into normal speech for the rest of us?" Said Leggylass.   
  
"Ah, yes, he said a Fellowship should help Fido on his way to Mordors-Less Windows and destroy the Ring-pull with him. Excellent plan, most ingenious. Now, who'll volunteer for it?" There was a silence so profound in the room that you could have heard a mouse drop a pin wrapped in cotton wool. Dill sighed.   
  
"I spose I'd better go with you, Fidster. It's kinda my fault your the Ring- pull bearer, anyway. Well, technically it's your uncle's fault, and he should really be coming too, but we'll let that one slide." she said, but gave Bigblo a very evil look nonetheless. This was lost on old Rabbit, who had dozed off in his chair.   
  
"I shall come, Fido. Nothing better to do, anyway." said Gangwarf.   
  
"I'll come with you, Mr Fido. 'Till death do us part." said Lamb with misty eyes. Fido decided to pretend that he hadn't heard Lamb's last comment.   
  
"Och aye, ye can count on me and Smelly, Fido!" said Pipsqueak. No one else spoke up. Dill, after instructions from Gangwarf, started to load her handgun.   
  
"We'll come!" Barometer, Leggylass and Grouchi said quickly, stepping out of Dill's firing range. Aragormless stood up importantly.   
  
"I shall come Fido, for the future king of Front-dor should help destroy this evil thing. And all royals have to do some sort of military training, anyway."   
  
This simple statement produced the loudest collective gasp since Luke Skywalker found out his dad wasn't the local postman.   
  
"You're the long-lost king of Front-dor?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"You?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Seriously?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"No, really, you?"   
  
"Yes!"   
  
Kelly's eyes grew wide at this point, and a manipulative shine came into them.   
  
"Say, uh, Arry, an elf really likes a king- I mean- a guy, who, like, risks his life for a noble, like, quest, and stuff." she said, batting her eyelids so much she created a hurricane on the other side of the world.   
  
"Fear not, fair Kelly. I shall return from this perilous journey and make you Queen of all Front-dor, if you so desire."   
  
"Desire? Hell, yes! I'm gonna be a queen!! Now who's the real queen of pop, Christina?" she yelled. "I, uh, of course, my one true love." she added sweetly. Aragormless turned to the rest of the Fellowship.   
  
"Well, no time like the present! The quicker we get going, the quicker I get married!" he said cheerily, striding away to pack with a slight spring to his step. The rest of the newly formed Fellowship of the Ring-pull shuffled glumly after him. Kelly, Ozzy and the now awake Bigblo were left alone in the hall, staring at the Fellowship as they tally hoed onwards to the next chapter.   
  
"Suckers." 


	6. I'll have no Moria cheek

Chapter Six I'll Have No Moria Cheek  
  
It was the Fellowship's last night in Chip'n'Dell. Spirits were low, as no-one except Aragormless seemed pleased that they were going to their certain, messy and most likely dragged-out deaths at Saurondemort's hands. Aragormless and Kelly were floating around on Cloud Nine, though. Well, Aragormless was. Kelly was floating on Cloud Eight-And-A-Half, the cloud of greedy, money/fame grabbing, soon-to-be queens. But either the fact that his betrothed didn't love him was no concern for Trotter, or he really was too stupid to notice. The odds were 2:1 on the latter being true at the Chip'n'Dell casino.  
  
Fido now sat in his room alone, glumly staring at the floor and trying not to think about Ring-pulls, D'orcs, Mordors-Less Windows, or other nasty things that'll stab you as soon as look at you.  
  
A knock came on his door.  
  
"Who is it?" asked Fido.  
  
"Uncle Bigblo"  
  
Fido got up and unlocked the door, and let his uncle in, who was holding some oddly shaped parcels.  
  
"What are they?" asked Fido.  
  
"Just a few odds and ends for my favourite nephew to take on his perilous journey." said Bigblo, giving the parcels to Fido.  
  
"I wouldn't even be going on a perilous journey if it wasn't for you." Fido grumbled, but unwrapped Bigblo's presents nonetheless, finding them to be a Rabbit-sized lightsaber and a bullet-proof vest.  
  
"The lightsaber glows blue when D'orcs are close, you know," Bigblo informed him. "And even when they aren't. Shoddy elf workmanship, they don't make them like they used to. But it will turn a nice shade of purple if you pester George Lucas enough."  
  
Suddenly Smelly and Pipsqueak burst into the room, grinning, and locked the door behind them.  
  
"What's going on...?" began Fido, when Smelly shushed him.  
  
"Give it five more seconds." he said gleefully to Pipsqueak, and they stood with their ears to the door, listening.  
  
What they were listening for became apparent roughly four and a half seconds later.  
  
A scream of rage came from Barometer's quarters, and they heard a distinct cry of "PINK!?!"  
  
"What did you do?" asked Fido.  
  
"Aragormless' red cape somehow found its way into Barometer's white washing. Nothing to do with us, of course." said Smelly.  
  
"Of course." echoed Pipsqueak.  
  
Fido rolled his eyes in the manner of Tomboy Dill. They hadn't even left Chip'n'Dell and already there was tension in the Fellowship, and now Smelly and Pipsqueak had decided to become practical jokers (mind you, they were hardly Oxford graduates before). And Fido had the sneaking suspicion that Barometer wouldn't be the only member of the Fellowship to be 'Smelly- and-Pipsqueaked' in the weeks to come.  
  
Sighing, he ushered them all out of his room, and sat down heavily on the bed. Pulling the covers over his head, he lay back and tried to get a decent night's sleep before he left Chip'n'Dell the next day. Unfortunately, his room was next door to Dill's, and she chose that particular moment to start a two-hour karaoke session with Leggylass. Fido groaned into his pillow and put his little Rabbit paws over his ears, to no avail. If this was to be his companions' behaviour for the duration of their quest, Fido wouldn't need to give the Ring-pull away to go mad.  
  
The next day the assorted members of the Fellowship assembled before Ozzy before they left Chip'n'Dell.  
  
"Ahsposethisisgoobye, burrAhjustwantyootaknoAhfinkyou'reall proper noble fordointhis, y'know? Idiots, bu' propanobleones."  
  
"You're too kind," gushed Aragormless, who, as one of the many people who could not decipher Ozzy's speech, assumed the elf had just complimented him. The group said farewell to Ozzy, Kelly and Bigblo, and the other Chip'n'Dell guests who had turned up to watch the Fellowship's departure, and soon the Company began striding away from Chip'n'Dell towards the bleak, sticky, uninhabited lands that lay between there and the Mouldy Mountains.  
  
**********  
  
The Fellowship decided to take the route along the western side of the Mouldy Mountains until they reached the Gap of Ronan, and from there they would go on to Mordors-Less Windows. Well, I say 'the Fellowship'; it was actually Gangwarf who decided, and he had continually poked the rest of them until they agreed with him.   
  
The Fellowship marched south for many days, without incident, and without seeing any of Saurondemort's servants. They did see a couple of suspicious looking caterpillars and a weedy little fox, but they might have just been Civil Servants.   
  
As the company neared the Gap of Ronan, however, evil omens began to appear on their path. Each morning the company noticed more suspiciously D'orc- like footprints on the road, more evil pigeons flying overhead, and many more AOL sign up disks arriving in the post. Eventually Gangwarf caught on.   
  
"Curses and cuticles! I do believe the foul wizard Sorryman has caught our scent! We shall have to revise our course." He said, sitting down heavily on a rocky outcrop and pulling from his back pack an antiquated Ye Olde Route-Finder™.   
  
"Now, let me see.... We're in Aregion, heading for Mordors-Less Windows.... Alternate routes..." he muttered, sporadically jabbing buttons on the machine. After five minutes, he started whacking it with his wand, and finally cast it over his shoulder into a bush.   
  
"Alas, I fear the evil of Sorryman has corrupted my Route-Finder." Said the wizard.   
  
"Nay," whispered Leggylass to Fido, "I stole the batteries for my Walkman."   
  
The rest of the company deliberated what course they should take now that the Gap of Ronan was out of the question, and the Route-Finder was broken.   
  
"We could take the pass of Caradhtop." Suggested Gangwarf, referring to the snowy topped mountain of Everest proportions behind him.   
  
"In this skirt?" said Dill "You've got to be kidding me."   
  
"We could just go back?" said Barometer hopefully. Everyone glared at him.   
  
"What about the Mines of Morris-Dancia?" said Aragormless.   
  
"Only a deranged D'orc with a death wish would go there, King Boy." Snapped Gangwarf, throwing some killer alliteration at the ranger.   
  
"Oy, the vizard is right. I pity the schmuck who has to open the doors on that can of vorms." Said Grouchi, forebodingly.  
  
The next day the company came upon the gigantic doors of Morris Dancia, which is called Custard Doom in the dwarfish tongue. It was made by the dwarves in the Fabled First Age of Middly Squat Earth, which explains why its architecture had all the gracefulness and decorum of an obese sheep. The ceilings were low, the floors were mossy and infested with silverfish, and the air was dank. Which, unsurprisingly, makes it a great deal pleasanter than most public swimming pools.  
  
The doors, being of dwarfish make, were notoriously difficult to locate, and could only be seen when the person who wished to enter could tell the difference between solid rock and cardboard. Ingenious folk, those dwarves. Gangwarf, being one of the few people who possessed this quality, immediately strode up to the doors and spoke the magic words:  
  
"Abra Cadabra, Skoda Lexus Rover  
  
Half a pound of tuppeny rice  
  
Pop goes the stock market"  
  
He shouted awesomely to the great gates. Nothing happened. Dill sighed. Barometer shuffled his feet. Pipsqueak started to eat his ear out of boredom.   
  
"This is very complex magic," said Gangwarf haughtily, "which obviously needs a few minutes to warm up!"   
  
A few minutes soon turned into an hour, and the company still sat outside the mines. Gangwarf sat away from the rest, meditating beside the door, and occasionally kicking it out of frustration. Suddenly Leggylass leapt up, and put some coins in the slot next to the door, beneath the large neon sign which read: 'Insert coins to enter the Mines'.   
  
"Of course!" cried Gangwarf as the doors swung open, the Fellowship sprinting hastily into them. They were not inside for five seconds when the heavy cardboard doors shut behind them with a resounding 'pfft', and they had no choice but to continue through the darkness of the mines.  
  
It was as black as a Labrador's belly inside, so Gangwarf muttered a small charm to light the end of his wand. Of course, this had as much effect on the darkness as goat armed with a wooden spoon has against a dragon. Luckily, Barometer's still neon pink clothes provided the Fellowship with ample light to see with, and so they started trudging along the winding track that lead through Morris-Dancia.   
  
As they walked along, Lamb noticed the track was actually divided into small sections by many pieces of wood, that ran in between two long pieces of metal. He commented upon this to Gangwarf. After hitting Lamb with Pipsqueak for scaring him, the wizard explained the purpose of the tracks.   
  
"Well, the mines were first built under the command of the great dwarf king Durin-Duran," he began.   
  
"Who was known to the elves as Durin the Break." Added Leggylass.   
  
"Who originally wanted a transport system that would go through the entire Mouldy Mountains," continued Gangwarf, "thus making commuting to the best mining spots much easier. Well, the caverns beneath Mount Caradhtop seemed the best place for Durin-Duran's plans on the drawing-board, and for a few years the dwarves accumulated much material wealth as they could, they sold high and bought low, bathed in molten gold every day, and all was good. But then disaster struck, and the dwarves had to flee from Custard-Doom, and it was given the name Morris-Dancia, to strike fear into the heart of anyone who wished to go there."   
  
"Cripes," said Fido, "that's one heck of a story. But what made the dwarves leave so suddenly?" Gangwarf did not reply.   
  
Assuming he'd gone deaf again, Fido repeated himself loudly, only to incur the wrath of the rest of the party.   
  
"Could your voice be any louder? Keep it down, shorty!" said Dill angrily.   
  
"But why did the dwarves leave?"   
  
"Insurance salesmen vouldn't leave us alone, or D'orcs invaded." Said Grouchi shiftily. "I don't remember vhich." And he would say nothing more, no matter how many times Fido questioned him, tripped him up or stuck rude signs on his back.   
  
Eventually they came to a point where the railroad track divided, and went down two separated tunnels, when Gangwarf stopped suddenly.  
  
"Shoot." He said. "I've just realised I've forgotten my towel." And he sat down and went no further.   
  
To pass the time until Gangwarf overcame this crisis, the others gathered round and roasted marshmallows (and occasionally one of Gangwarf's smaller Dancing Goblins) over Grouchi's cigar. Presently, the Fellowship realised that the air had become more red, glowing and sparkly than they had previously noticed, and Grouchi's cigar had nothing to do with it.   
  
"What be a happenin'?" asked Lamb nervously. But before anyone could hit him a great and terrible noise filled the mines:  
  
"Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling  
  
Do you feel my heart beating?  
  
Do you understand?  
  
Do you feel the same?"  
  
The song began. Suddenly Leggylass cried out in terror.   
  
"Argh! A Bangle!" she said.   
  
Aragormless and Barometer gasped.   
  
"Not the Eternal Flame monster?" Dill whispered in terror.   
  
"We should really be running now." Noted Smelly. Ignoring him, Gangwarf grabbed Grouchi by his moustache.   
  
"You little creep! Did you know about this?"   
  
"So I knew, so sue me! You're the first customers we dvarves have had in decades!"   
  
"Running would be a good choice, given the present situation." Said Smelly. Realising no-one was listening; he grabbed his marshmallows and scampered away into the tunnel on the left. The song got louder, and Smelly hastily reappeared out of the tunnel, a horde of vicious, short and spotty faced D'orcs rushing after him, their war-knives gleaming in the gloom. And their war-forks and spoons, too. When they drew their war-cups and saucers, it was too much for the Fellowship, and they decided to bravely run for it.   
  
They dived into the right hand tunnel, and dashed down it like a cheetah that's just digested several medium sized jars of Nescafé, the D'orcs and their horrifying cutlery only inches behind. They suddenly came to a great chasm, with a spindly rope-bridge across it, and the exit fortunately just on the other side.   
  
Aragormless, Barometer, Dill, Grouchi, Leggylass and the Rabbits leapt across, and turned in horror to see Gangwarf step onto the bridge, only to have the Bangle step onto it before he could get across. The wizard turned to face the great towering monster.   
  
"You cannot pass," he said, "unless, that is, you answer three questions!" The Bangle twitched slightly, but nodded, and Gangwarf proceeded to ask his questions. The Fellowship glanced at each other puzzled.   
  
"What....... is your name?" said Gangwarf piercingly.   
  
"Bangle." Said the Bangle.   
  
"Correct. What..... is your quest?" said the wizard.   
  
"To kill everything I can in a fiery inferno." answered the Bangle threateningly.   
  
"Correct." Squeaked Gangwarf. "What....... is the average air speed of a dragon?" he asked after a pause.   
  
The Fellowship held it's breath, knowing that if the Bangle answered correctly they would be char-grilled.   
  
"Don't worry," said Barometer, checking Fido's script. "No-one gets crispy fried for another two books." Meanwhile, the Bangle looked worried.   
  
"I don't know!" it wailed finally.   
  
"Incorrect." Grinned Gangwarf, as the piece of wood beneath the Bangle gave way, and it dropped into the bottomless pit below the bridge.   
  
"Works every time." the wizard said smugly as he made his way towards the other side of the bridge.   
  
"Ingenious, Gangwarf," said Pipsqueak, "but what is the average air speed of a dragon?"   
  
"Y'know, I don't know. Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!" said Gangwarf as the bridge gave way beneath his feet and he fell into the pit.   
  
"Ooops." Observed the Rabbit.   
  
"Farewell, Warfie, we barely knew ye." Sang Aragormless sadly.   
  
"Time to make like my ends and split, I think." said Dill, as countless D'orc war-teapots whooshed passed her ears.   
  
"Lets." Said Leggylass, and the rest of the company dashed through the fire- exit at the back of the Mines, into the bright, gooey sunlight flooding the next chapter. 


	7. Mirror Mirror in the pool, isn't LoatheL...

Chapter Seven Mirror, Mirror, In The Pool, Isn't LoatheLorraine Really Cool?  
  
The Fellowship, less one wizard, hastily ran down the winding pathway that lead away from Morris-Dancia's back door. Trotter ran as though a carrot was dangling in front of him, and by nightfall, he had lead the remainder of the Fellowship to the woods of LoatheLorraine, of which many tales tell.  
The air was sparkly and filled with the high pitched twitter of snakes and the low hiss of birds, and Fido noticed with alarm that his watch was running anticlockwise, and that Leggylass' fluffy tipped arrows and pink quiver suddenly did not seem so out of place.  
"Ve're in elf country." Said Grouchi, giving an expression that would've, if it were possible, killed a small rodent.  
"Oh, don't let that flapjack put you off," said Leggylass happily. "Just because we elves set a bad example for teenagers, constantly complain about our perfect lives and looks, shamelessly promote ourselves on reality TV shows, smoke like fishes and drink like chimneys........ uh, where was I going with this? Oh, yes, LoatheLorraine is the homeland of the great and noble elves Meladriel and Deseborn, elf queen and king of daytime chat."  
"Never heard of them." Said Smelly.  
"They came to Middly-Squat Earth long ago, it being the only place they could get a broadcasting licence." Continued Leggylass. "They wanted to put the talk-show hostess elf Lorraine out of business, because her show bored the pants off every living elf, and was the suspected cause of death for a few others. Eventually, they found a little studio here in the woods near the Mouldy Mountains, began broadcasting in the dying days of the First Age, and TV history was made."  
"Neat. Do they have decent bathroom facilities?" asked Aragormless. "I haven't been since Chip'n'Dell."  
  
Presently they came to the borders of LoatheLorraine, and were waylaid by several stressed looking elves with clipboards and headphones. A middle-aged elf stepped forwards, who appeared to be their leader.  
"Right, yeah, got them." He said into a microphone on his headphones. "Scruffy looking bunch, or is that just part of the act? No, they don't have the wizard with them. He's not really essential to the group, though, is he? Yeah, I'll ask them." The elf covered his microphone and turned to the Fellowship.  
"Do you need make-up, or are you going on as you are?"  
The bewildered Fellowship was then frogmarched by the elves through the wood and into a square warehouse building. They were lead down many grey, featureless, identical corridors until they were pushed into a huge dark chamber, filled with lights and sound equipment and elves rushing to and fro, carrying scripts, trays of make-up and large cups of coffee.  
Another elf came up to the Fellowship.  
"Greetings." He said, bowing low. "I am Kil-roi, the floor manager. Meladriel and Deseborn await you over there," he indicated to a very bright area of the hall, where a tall, slightly neurotic-looking female elf and a shorter, tangerine coloured male elf were being fussed over by the make-up department. "Right, you're on in five. Just read the autocue and you'll be fine." Kil-roi said.  
Loud music began to play, and Meladriel and Deseborn stepped onto the set.  
"Welcome to the show." Said Deseborn. "Today we've got a real treat for you elves at home." He smiled at the camera, showing a full set of very white falsies.  
"That's right," continued Meladriel, "On set with us today is a group that's come a long way since they started out at a small gig back in the Shy-er. Give a great big elf welcome to the mysteriously named Fellowship of the Ring-pull!" she grinned at the camera like her co-host.  
"You're on!" said Kil-roi, shoving the assorted members of the Fellowship on the stage.  
Meladriel and Deseborn arose and welcomed the company onto the cream sofa next to where they were sitting.  
"So," said Meladriel, "We hear this first book's been quite an adventure for the nine of you."  
"Adventure is an understatement!" said Dill enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe how many favours we've had to call in, just to get the thing off the ground and on the shelves. And we've still got a good two books to go before the publishers will leave us alone!"  
The interview generally carried on in the same vein, Dill doing the talking, and Barometer and Grouchi gazing wistfully at the great beauty of Meladriel, small pools of drool collecting at their feet. Fido generally tried to keep quiet, and as yet, nothing was said of the Ring-pull. To mention it now, this close to Mordors-Less Windows, would be disastrous, as it was quite likely that Saurondemort had cable, and therefore would have the 'Elf-Living' channel too, and then he would know how close the Ring- pull was to him.  
But luckily, even Smelly and Pipsqueak had the good sense not to mention the You-Know-What on national television, and so the interview drew to a close. It was time for Meladriel and Deseborn to announce the winners of the phone-in competition ('How many visual effects Oscars has Harry Potter won? a) none b) don't make me laugh or c) Harry who?), and the members of the Fellowship could leave the stage. Aragormless, as he had previously revealed, was absolutely desperate, and danced a little jig towards the toilets. Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak dived headfirst towards the refreshment table, stocking up on the magical elvish bread called Ryveta. Dill headed for the make-up department, because she said she was 'sick of looking like I came off worst in a mud-wrestling tournament with a cave- troll.' Leggylass went in search of more Pantene Pro V, as she'd lost hers in Morris-Dancia. Barometer and Grouchi hovered near the set where Deseborn and Meladriel still stood presenting; hoping to smell Meladriel's hair from that distance, and Fido was left on his own.  
Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind, and pulled out of a side door into a small garden. He looked up, and saw his captor was none other than Meladriel, who had managed to escape Barometer and Grouchi. She said nothing, but beckoned Fido to follow her to a small pond in the middle of the garden.  
"This is the magical Fortune Pond of the Beeb Elves, who were the first to broadcast in Middly-Squat Earth. It shows many things that may or may not be, like next week's Lottery numbers, and has never yet been wrong. Look into it, if you want to see the future of the Ring-pull." She said, poking at a couple of dead goldfish on the surface of the water. Fido nervously stepped forwards, and gazed into the murky depths, and was shocked by what he saw.  
A blue ship with tall blue sails was sailing on a blue sea, with an odd little nautical tune playing in the background.  
"Is this a good or bad omen?" he asked Meladriel in wonder.  
"Nay, young Rabbit, it is the theme tune. Watch!" she said irritably, and Fido looked back into the water.  
He saw many odd (and to his mind, unlikely) scenes unfold in the water. Barometer and Dill were wedded in the city of Minas Union, along with Leggylass and Grouchi; Fido himself won in an arm wrestling competition against Saurondemort; Mordors-Less Windows was bulldozed to make room for a housing estate, and a small parody book became the world's biggest and fastest bestseller.  
"What does all this mean?" said Fido.  
"Clearly, things look good. The Blue Pond of Peter never lies." Said Meladriel happily. "Apart from that time where it did, but that was just a one off. Don't worry; young Fido, all you saw will come to pass, I promise, as long as you don't give the Ring-pull to Barometer! If such a situation ever arose, of course. Not that it would." She said emphasizing the part in italics as much as immortally possible. Fido went back through the side door in deep thought, and rejoined the rest of the Fellowship, who were causing chaos in the staff canteen.  
Meladriel waited until she was sure Fido was out of earshot (which is a considerable distance for a Rabbit, given the size of their ears), and she whipped a mobile phone from behind a sickly apple tree.  
"Hi, Ozzy. He bought it." She said smugly into the receiver.  
"WelldunM'ladrizzul, cosifyoo'adnerr dunthathenthestoopidlitlblighta wouldaprobablee giventherin'-pulltotha mad'uman, whasisname, West B'romiter or summat." Came the reply.  
"I know. And then we'd lose our wager with Gangwarf." She cackled, and hung up, knowing the £10 she betted against the wizard on Fido keeping the Ring-pull was safely in her grasp.  
The next day the Fellowship had to leave LoatheLorraine, but not before Meladriel and Deseborn bestowed upon them rare and precious gifts, usually only found in Kwik Save's bargain corner.  
To each of the Fellowship Members, they gave a transparent cellophane cloak, guaranteed to blend into any surroundings, and fastened with a small badge, with the same blue ship Fido had seen in the Blue Pond of Peter the day before.  
"For Aragormless, so he won't have to get Kelly a wedding present." Said Meladriel, giving the king a voucher for Marks and Spencer.  
"For Fido, from my personal collection." Said Deseborn, giving the Rabbit a hand-held tanning lamp. To Dill, they gave a Cliff Richard's Greatest Hits CD ("because he sings almost as well as you", they said), Smelly and Pipsqueak received a Dungeons and Dragons board game, Leggylass was given some rainbow coloured plastic Karma beads (soon coveted by Dill), Barometer was given a gold plated digital watch, Grouchi received five diseased chickens, and Lamb was gifted with a bumper sized box of indigestion tablets. Then, the Company were lead by Kil-roi and a group of elves away from the studio through the woods of LoatheLorraine to a small jetty next to a water wheel. "Behold, the Pebbled Mill, greatest Elven home this side of the Pine-wood!" said Kil-roi, and the company were filled with wonder at the huge river that lay in front of them. "This is the Dance-River," said Kil-roi. "It will lead you to Mordors-Less Windows." Then Meladriel and Deseborn themselves appeared in a huge swan shaped pedello, towing a fleet of similar boats behind them for the Fellowship to journey in. "Oy, I could have been a contender." Sighed Grouchi sadly, as he clambered into an excruciatingly camp pink swan pedello alongside Leggylass and Dill. Barometer eagerly started towards Fido's boat, a strange look in his eyes, but as he leapt in the boat it capsized underneath him, and he was forced to share with Smelly and Pipsqueak, while Fido and Lamb embarked a yellow spotted boat with Aragormless. Kil-roi cut the soggy paper-chain moorings attaching the boats to the jetty, and the Fellowship began to gently float downstream and into the final chapter. 


	8. Bye bye Barometer

Chapter Eight  
  
Bye Bye Barometer  
  
The Fellowship sailed smoothly down the great Dance-River, passing no servants of Saurondemort as they went along, but they did see several other people embarking on their own watery quests: - a scientist, a policeman and an old sea-dog were loading their boat with fishing equipment, several hundred extras were climbing aboard a huge CGI cruise ship, and some Technicolor American types and a pale man with pointy ears were climbing aboard their vessel, about to boldly go where no American had ever gone before. That's right, a UN conference.  
  
Everything was not well within the Fellowship since leaving LoatheLorraine. Fido couldn't help feeling a little more wary of Barometer these days. The human had taken to rowing his pedello directly next to Fido's, and when they stopped on shore he would suddenly lunge towards where the Ring-pull hung from Fido's neck every so often, either to brush off dust or swat flies, or so he said. The words of Meladriel often came back to Fido, playing over and over in his head like Dill's Cliff Richards CD. The other members of the Fellowship did not seem to notice Barometer's odd behaviour, however, being distracted by other matters. Aragormless was pining for Kelly, Smelly and Pipsqueak wouldn't stop bickering, and Grouchi had become very angry and twitchy ever since he ran out of cigars in LoatheLorraine.  
  
After a day or so of very tiring drifting-with-the-current, Aragormless signalled for the company to stop and go ashore for afternoon tea.  
  
Hastily the party ate their meal of the elvish Ryveta bread, (Pipsqueak slyly stealing most of Leggylass' tic-tacs), because they knew the wizard Sorryman, who had done very little to progress the plot so far, would be devising evil plans to steal the Ring-pull, destroy the Fellowship, and possibly start a small chain of bakeries if he had time at the end of the day. Therefore it was unwise for the Fellowship to linger in the wilderness.  
  
Soon the company was off again, leaping in their pedellos and splashing noisily downstream, so much so that even the huge ears of the Rabbits did not hear a small splash in the water behind them, sounding suspiciously like a withered ex-Rabbit paddling along on a tea tray.  
  
As they continued down the great river, Fido suddenly noticed a dramatic rise in the volume of the background music, and looking up in wonder he saw two mighty statues towering high above them  
  
"They are the Argos-nath, the guardians to Front-dor's front door." Aragormless informed them. The statues were certainly very scary, Lamb thought, mainly due to the heavy catalogues both of the stony figures brandished in their outstretched arms.  
  
"The catalogues serve as a reminder to enemies of Front-dor that should they ever want to buy Christmas presents or small household appliances from Front-dor, they would have to trawl through the entire brochure to find them." Continued the ranger.  
  
"And even if a potential customer manages that, they'd still have to ask a shop-assistant whether there were any in stock." Added Barometer. "Enough to put anyone off buying from Front-dor." The Fellowship nodded in agreement, it being common knowledge that all shop-assistants are descended from D'orcs.  
  
Nightfall fell, and the Fellowship fell with it (asleep, that is). The next day they continued down the river, but they realised that the Enemy was at work in those lands. Large signs appeared every few hundred metres on the shore, reading 'Evil Construction Underway. Please Mind Your Heads', and from the river the Fellowship could see large D'orc-operated cranes in the distance, building Sorryman's evil factories and bakeries.   
  
"The wizard truly is evil," observed Leggylass, "using those poor birds in construction work."  
  
"The RSPB would have a field day, if it was invented yet." Said Smelly.  
  
Once more they stopped for a quick five course luncheon on shore, and Fido worriedly noticed Barometer's odd behaviour had become worse. Now the warrior would become very fidgety in Fido's presence, and the Rabbit could have sworn he heard the man mutter words like 'precious' and 'Ring-pull' now and again, but Barometer always rationally explained to the rest of the Fellowship that he thought that Rabbits were precocious, although he did like their ring-tones and pullovers, and Fido was forced to apologise to him.  
  
But still the Rabbit couldn't shake a nagging feeling that Barometer had changed somehow since they started out from Chip'n'Dell. Before they started rowing again, Fido decided to confide his fears in Tomboy Dill. Pulling her aside from her cream tea and scones, Fido dragged Dill towards a small, Fellowship-free clearing.   
  
"Dill," he began, "have you noticed anything… odd about Barometer's behaviour?"  
  
Dill started to shake her head, but then she slapped her forehead suddenly.  
  
"Mosquito." She informed Fido. "It's the only thing that'll stop them. But I know what you mean about Barometer. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise it! It should've been blatantly obvious since before we left Chip'n'Dell!" said Dill passionately, Fido nodding fervently beside her.  
  
"He's shown absolutely no sign whatsoever of being attracted to me!" said Dill heatedly. "It's a thing unheard of! Never in 10,000 years of playing the Middly-Squat Earth field has any male creature found me undesirable! I just can't understand it!"  
  
"No, I mean have you noticed anything different about Barometer recently? Since we left LoatheLorraine?" said Fido earnestly.  
  
"What, since he's had a wash? Well, I suppose he isn't bad looking, since the elves worked over him and got rid of that stupid goatee…"  
  
"No, Dill, I mean he won't leave me alone. I think he's going mad, and he's the future steward of Front-dor! If he attacks me, everyone will believe his story, not mine!" Said Fido, trying to bring the Warden back down to Middly-Squat Earth.  
  
"The future steward, you say? Powerful guy. Almost like a king." said Dill, oblivious to Fido's anxiety.  
  
"I think he wants the Ring-pull!" said Fido exasperatedly.  
  
"You know, I can't believe that I didn't think of this before!" said Dill, grinning. "The careers officer at school always said I should be a stewardess!" and with that, she skipped away back through the trees towards camp, Fido staring after her, awed that anyone could be so clueless.  
  
Back on the shore of the river, the Fellowship were still only on the fourth course of their lunch-break when Dill came gambolling into their midst.  
  
"Anyone seen Barometer?" she asked gleefully.  
  
Suddenly the Company realised that Barometer had either finally received his mail-order Invisibility Cloak, or he'd gone missing.  
  
Fido left the clearing where he'd been talking to Dill, miserably dragging his huge Rabbit feet through the woods. Lost in thought, he did not notice where he was going, until he suddenly bumped into a large lumpy object.  
  
"Barometer! What are you doing this far from camp?" asked Fido warily.  
  
""Ciggy break" said the human, puffing away on one of Grouchi's cigars, stolen in LoatheLorraine. "You're the one with the Ring-pull, aren't you?" said Barometer suddenly, a wild glance coming into his eyes. Fido nodded. "Sorry, wasn't sure. Can't tell you Rabbits apart that well."  
  
Fido smiled cautiously, ever so slightly moving further away from the human.   
  
"So… er…can I have it?" said Barometer, his wild stare now turned up to 'Mad-Scientist'.  
  
"Don't think that's going to be possible really, all things considered." Said Fido, now jogging backwards.  
  
"Oh, right. Fair enough, I suppose." Said the warrior reasonably.  
  
"Really?" said Fido, shocked.  
  
"No, not really. Hand it over, big ears." Snarled Barometer, drawing his sword and sprinting through the woods after the Rabbit.  
  
Unfortunately, at that precise moment a party of Sorryman's largest, ugliest and most unhygienic D'orcs and cranes came crashing noisily through the woodlands, hell-bent on killing the Fellowship, stealing the Ring-pull, and maybe surveying a potential bakery site.  
  
Within minutes they had the Fellowship surrounded completely.   
  
"Yer surrounded completerley, give up the Ring-pull an' we might not kill ya! Just chop off one of yer legs, maybe." said the lead D'orc, a quite threatening creature by the name of Bill.  
  
The Fellowship huddled together, debating what to do.  
  
"Fight to the death!" said Aragormless bravely.  
  
Everyone ignored this, as usual. Dill and Leggylass shrugged at each other, while Smelly and Pipsqueak started assembling the group's Acme White Flag, 'suitable for all your surrendering needs'.  
  
But right at that moment Fido came charging out of the trees, Barometer limping after him, gasping for breath (What you get when you smoke, kids!). On seeing the situation Fido pointed to Barometer and said:  
  
"He's got it!"  
  
Diving out of the way as fifty huge D'orcs with B.O. dog-piled on Barometer, Fido ran towards the boats, leapt in the closest one and cast off. Lamb, hastily choosing between Dill's legs and Mr Fido, took off and splashed through the river after the Ring-pull bearer.  
  
Bill, after a hasty strip search of Barometer (much to Dill's delight), concluded that the future-steward did not possess the Ring-pull after all.  
  
"Awright, which one of you scum's gonna cough it up?" he said, striking a match off Aragormless' five o' clock shadow and lighting the last of Grouchi's cigars.   
  
"I say ve give em those schmucks!" said Grouchi to the others, indicating Smelly and Pipsqueak.  
  
"Grouchi! I can't believe you'd say such a thing!" said Aragormless, aghast.  
  
"Yeah, usually I have to come up with the good plans." said Dill. "Great idea, Grouch!"  
  
Leggylass and Dill grabbed one Rabbit each, and handed them over to the D'orcs.  
  
"Dill!" cried Pipsqueak distraughtly. "Does this mean we're breaking up? I can change!"  
  
"Hey! Give them back!" said Barometer angrily, pointing at Smelly. "That one owes me money!" And with that he drew his sword and charged at the D'orcs, who promptly impaled him on a crane, and took off into the woods, laughing wildly at his demise.  
  
The distraught Fellowship gathered around the rapidly flagging human.  
  
"Barometer, Barometer!" sobbed Dill, "You haven't got a brother, have you?"  
  
"As a matter of fact…" began the ex-future- steward, but he coughed up a silver Dollar and ceased to be.  
  
"Nuts!" cried Leggylass. "What a bummer."  
  
"You know what?" said the enraged Warden of Edward Wood. "I am gonna Kill Bill!"  
  
With that the remaining members of the Fellowship hurtled through the forest after the marauding D'orcs.  
  
Fido and Lamb, meanwhile, had rowed over to the other bank of the river, and dodging the D'orcs who were excavating a bakery site, came to the very edge of the spiky hills that overlooked the Fred Marshes, and in the distance Mordors-Less Windows could be seen, like a large piece of coal blocking the view into the first chapter of the second book.  
  
The End (for now…) 


End file.
